Dear Marilyn,
Every time I look at you, I believe I was blessed with a miracle. Even though you were diagnosed with ASD, I will always look at you the same way I have when you were first placed in my arms. I will always accept you the way you are. I will love you unconditionally.
A lot have things have changed since I last wrote you. You are done with Preschool and going to be entering Kindergarten in the Fall. Your Preschool teacher adores you. Everybody at school thinks you are hilarious. They also think you are very fun to be around. It is true, you are one of the greatest people I have ever met. You are doing well in speech therapy and occupational therapy. You are a very intelligent child. Everybody that meets you always tells me that you are a very smart girl. I just smile because I have always known that you are.
Some other things have also changed. The people I thought were going to be in our lives forever, aren't. At first it tore me up inside, but now I've come to realize that it's their loss. I thought that family would always be there for one another, but as soon as a child is diagnosed with autism, that isn't the case. I found out who was really there for our family. It's sad that my family won't ever get to know the special little girl that I know. It upsets me to cut off those people, but when someone in your own family says something so insulting to you about your child, you do what's best. Especially when they barely see you. My family never really got to know you. I feel like they didn't even really want to know you. They acted annoyed every time we saw them. I thought cutting them out of my life was a good decision. If I don't stand up for you, no one will. I have to be your advocate. I have to protect one of the most important people in my life. If they don't like it, that's their problem.
It's okay, baby, because they are missing out on you. They will never get to share the laughs we get from you. They will never get to share the tears we have whenever we are proud of you. They won't know your favorite movies, TV shows, or music, but that's okay. Your real family knows you.
Although my family isn't in the picture anymore, there is your Dad's family. They have always been there for you, no matter what. They know everything about you. They don't find you annoying at all. They understand how you are. They wouldn't change you for the world. Although Mommy has lost a family, she has also gained one. If it wasn't for Daddy's family, we wouldn't have anybody. I'm thankful that we have such great people in our lives.
Marilyn, you are special. No matter what people say, you are amazing. Don't let anyone tell you any different.
I love you.
-Your Mommy
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I Love You Forever
Dear Marilyn,
I know it's been awhile since I've wrote. We've just been so busy lately that I haven't had time to write. I am constantly busy with school and making sure you get the help you need. It's a bit overwhelming at times, but I don't mind because I love you so much.
You've grown up so much since October. I can't believe how much you have progressed. You are funny, energetic, and sweet. You always have been those things, but I can't stress it enough how amazing you are. You are talking more. You are in preschool and excelling there. You're teacher is so nice and treats you so good. You're still going to speech therapy and behavioral therapy. You and your sister are getting along really well. I mean, you fight like sisters, but you also love each other very much. The other day, I saw you sitting next to your sister and hugging her for no reason. I thought it was so cute and I teared up a little bit. You are also beginning to repeat everything your sister says. It's so cute how you idolize her. I thank God that I had you two a year apart. Everyone thinks you two are twins because you are both the same in height. We've just been thinking to say say "Yes", because we get asked that so much. We recently bought a keyboard for you to play on. You seem to like it. It's so cute watching you play the keys with your sister. You also have been into watching the movie, "Tron" over and over again. I'm sorry to say that I dislike that movie. It's okay because Daddy loves to watch it with you. Daddy also bought the soundtrack and you like listening to it. I have had enough of "Tron" so I decided to turn off the CD and put it on the radio, but then you yelled at me, "TRON!", so then I had to change it back. Anything for the Queen. I don't mind though. I love that you are unique.
Sometimes you have your moments when you aren't so good. I know you can't help it, but it can be frustrating sometimes. Sunday we went to see your Dad's soccer game. It was going good until you started getting antsy and trying to run away from me. You then spilled some napkins on the floor and I told you to pick it up, but you wouldn't listen to me. It would have been easier to pick the napkins up myself and let you get away with it in public, but I wanted you to learn that you can't do that. I also wanted you to learn to listen to me. Well, you refused to pick it up and started throwing yourself on the floor, so I decided to pick you up and take you into the car. Instead of surrendering, you kicked and pulled my hair. I had to drag you out screaming. I didn't notice that there were some onlookers. I was so busy putting you in the car. While we were waiting in the car for your Dad's game to end, he came out and asked what happened. I told him. He then told me he was angry because some other mothers who were also at the game, were laughing at me because you were putting a struggle with me while we were leaving. It made me sick to my stomach to think that people can be like that. It made me extremely upset because it wasn't young mothers who were judging us, but some old ladies. I just don't understand how people can be so ignorant? I don't know why people are quick to judge other people with kids who are throwing temper tantrums? If I would have seen them laughing, I would have told them off myself. I just sat in the car and cried. How can people be so cruel? Daddy then went back into the soccer place and then told those women off. Usually I wouldn't condone that type of behavior, but those women deserved it. Autism happens to so many children, so why does the world not know what it is? Why are not a lot of people informed? Maybe when you're old enough to read this, it will be well known.
Well, baby...It's getting late. I just want to let you know that I'm grateful for having you in my life. I thank God for blessing me with you.
Love Always and Forever,
Mommy
I know it's been awhile since I've wrote. We've just been so busy lately that I haven't had time to write. I am constantly busy with school and making sure you get the help you need. It's a bit overwhelming at times, but I don't mind because I love you so much.
You've grown up so much since October. I can't believe how much you have progressed. You are funny, energetic, and sweet. You always have been those things, but I can't stress it enough how amazing you are. You are talking more. You are in preschool and excelling there. You're teacher is so nice and treats you so good. You're still going to speech therapy and behavioral therapy. You and your sister are getting along really well. I mean, you fight like sisters, but you also love each other very much. The other day, I saw you sitting next to your sister and hugging her for no reason. I thought it was so cute and I teared up a little bit. You are also beginning to repeat everything your sister says. It's so cute how you idolize her. I thank God that I had you two a year apart. Everyone thinks you two are twins because you are both the same in height. We've just been thinking to say say "Yes", because we get asked that so much. We recently bought a keyboard for you to play on. You seem to like it. It's so cute watching you play the keys with your sister. You also have been into watching the movie, "Tron" over and over again. I'm sorry to say that I dislike that movie. It's okay because Daddy loves to watch it with you. Daddy also bought the soundtrack and you like listening to it. I have had enough of "Tron" so I decided to turn off the CD and put it on the radio, but then you yelled at me, "TRON!", so then I had to change it back. Anything for the Queen. I don't mind though. I love that you are unique.
Sometimes you have your moments when you aren't so good. I know you can't help it, but it can be frustrating sometimes. Sunday we went to see your Dad's soccer game. It was going good until you started getting antsy and trying to run away from me. You then spilled some napkins on the floor and I told you to pick it up, but you wouldn't listen to me. It would have been easier to pick the napkins up myself and let you get away with it in public, but I wanted you to learn that you can't do that. I also wanted you to learn to listen to me. Well, you refused to pick it up and started throwing yourself on the floor, so I decided to pick you up and take you into the car. Instead of surrendering, you kicked and pulled my hair. I had to drag you out screaming. I didn't notice that there were some onlookers. I was so busy putting you in the car. While we were waiting in the car for your Dad's game to end, he came out and asked what happened. I told him. He then told me he was angry because some other mothers who were also at the game, were laughing at me because you were putting a struggle with me while we were leaving. It made me sick to my stomach to think that people can be like that. It made me extremely upset because it wasn't young mothers who were judging us, but some old ladies. I just don't understand how people can be so ignorant? I don't know why people are quick to judge other people with kids who are throwing temper tantrums? If I would have seen them laughing, I would have told them off myself. I just sat in the car and cried. How can people be so cruel? Daddy then went back into the soccer place and then told those women off. Usually I wouldn't condone that type of behavior, but those women deserved it. Autism happens to so many children, so why does the world not know what it is? Why are not a lot of people informed? Maybe when you're old enough to read this, it will be well known.
Well, baby...It's getting late. I just want to let you know that I'm grateful for having you in my life. I thank God for blessing me with you.
Love Always and Forever,
Mommy
Friday, November 12, 2010
Your Love is my Love
Dear Marilyn,
I just wanted to tell you that I didn't create this blog to embarrass you. I created to blog because I am proud of you. I want to use this blog to inform people about autism. What people don't realize is that autism can happen to any child. I never thought I would have any children with autism. I was aware that autism was common, but not common enough to happen to any of my children. Well, it did happen, but I'm not going to dwell on it. I decided to do something about it.
Since you've been diagnosed, it's been really tough. Going to school full time has taken its toll on me because I have many other things I need to do. Sometimes I feel bad because instead of spending time with you and trying to help you, I have to do school work, or study, or I'm at school all the time. I wish things were easier. I want to stay home with you all day and help you, but I need to finish school so we can have a better life. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I have those days where I am overwhelmed and cry. I cry not because you have autism, but because there's so many things I have to get done and I don't have enough time to do it. We have so many places to be like your therapy and your school that it has made my study time for school shrink. If I didn't have this blog to blow off some steam then I would absolutely loose it.
On another note, last night we watched ,"Scott Pilgrim vs. The World". During the music scenes, when whatever band would jam, I taught you how to head bang. I ended up regretting it because you wouldn't stop doing it! It was cute and funny at first, but then you continued doing it and thought it was hilarious. I guess you can thank me later on when you go to your first rock concert and start headbanging like nobody's business. I've thought about signing you up for piano lessons, but have second thoughts because you tend to be fidgety and don't sit still. It's alright though because you are still young enough to get away with it. I do notice you are musically gifted so I do want you to learn to play something, even if its the "triangle". haha :-)
Last night we also ended up going to the arcade with Daddy and your sister. It was so hilarious watching you put the tokens into the game. At first, you were a little unsure of the place. You also ended up covering your ears, but that's only because you're sensitive to sound. It's alright though, because you ended up putting your hands down and started in on the fun after a while. I have to say, I think Dad had more fun playing the games than any one of us. I had a lot of fun last night with the family and so did you. You were very happy because with our prize tickets, you go to pick out which items you wanted. You picked out some silly putty, that sounds like someone farted when you push it down the container. You thought it was hilarious when it made that sound. Daddy picked out a whoopie cushion. I can't say that I'm shocked about that. Your sister picked out one of those squishy balls that feel weird. I don't know what the are called, but when I find out, I will get back to you.
I just want to say that I love you so much. I am extremely happy that you are my child.
Love Always and Forever,
Mommy
I just wanted to tell you that I didn't create this blog to embarrass you. I created to blog because I am proud of you. I want to use this blog to inform people about autism. What people don't realize is that autism can happen to any child. I never thought I would have any children with autism. I was aware that autism was common, but not common enough to happen to any of my children. Well, it did happen, but I'm not going to dwell on it. I decided to do something about it.
Since you've been diagnosed, it's been really tough. Going to school full time has taken its toll on me because I have many other things I need to do. Sometimes I feel bad because instead of spending time with you and trying to help you, I have to do school work, or study, or I'm at school all the time. I wish things were easier. I want to stay home with you all day and help you, but I need to finish school so we can have a better life. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I have those days where I am overwhelmed and cry. I cry not because you have autism, but because there's so many things I have to get done and I don't have enough time to do it. We have so many places to be like your therapy and your school that it has made my study time for school shrink. If I didn't have this blog to blow off some steam then I would absolutely loose it.
On another note, last night we watched ,"Scott Pilgrim vs. The World". During the music scenes, when whatever band would jam, I taught you how to head bang. I ended up regretting it because you wouldn't stop doing it! It was cute and funny at first, but then you continued doing it and thought it was hilarious. I guess you can thank me later on when you go to your first rock concert and start headbanging like nobody's business. I've thought about signing you up for piano lessons, but have second thoughts because you tend to be fidgety and don't sit still. It's alright though because you are still young enough to get away with it. I do notice you are musically gifted so I do want you to learn to play something, even if its the "triangle". haha :-)
Last night we also ended up going to the arcade with Daddy and your sister. It was so hilarious watching you put the tokens into the game. At first, you were a little unsure of the place. You also ended up covering your ears, but that's only because you're sensitive to sound. It's alright though, because you ended up putting your hands down and started in on the fun after a while. I have to say, I think Dad had more fun playing the games than any one of us. I had a lot of fun last night with the family and so did you. You were very happy because with our prize tickets, you go to pick out which items you wanted. You picked out some silly putty, that sounds like someone farted when you push it down the container. You thought it was hilarious when it made that sound. Daddy picked out a whoopie cushion. I can't say that I'm shocked about that. Your sister picked out one of those squishy balls that feel weird. I don't know what the are called, but when I find out, I will get back to you.
I just want to say that I love you so much. I am extremely happy that you are my child.
Love Always and Forever,
Mommy
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Second Entry
Dear Marilyn,
Yesterday went by pretty well. You met your new Head Start teacher. She's very nice and has a background in teaching children with disabilities. I was really proud of you. You did a memory game and matched every picture to its item. I was amazed how fast you did it. I was really happy when you let me read a book to you about farm animals. I was very excited when you even pressed the right sound button for each animal. You are so smart.
Yesterday, I put on "Why Kids Love Yoga" on TV for you, just to see if you'd actually do it. You actually did everything that the kids were doing on there without me even coaxing you! You looked like a little spaghetti noodle! It was too cute and I was really surprised that you tried doing yoga. Maybe we will try to do more things involving yoga for you.
The biggest and most memorable thing you did was last night. Daddy was upset and you went up to him and said, "Be happy". Daddy and I were so proud of you. Daddy cried because he was so overwhelmed with happiness. We really appreciate when you notice our feelings.
Even though there were good things going on last night, there were also one thing that drove me crazy. Last night you didn't want to go to sleep. I don't know what it is about the night, but you are like a little hamster at night. Jumping everywhere, laughing, and screaming. Thank god we bought that little trampoline so you can jump on that instead of jumping on us anymore. I don't know what it is about "A Bug's Life", but every time you see that movie, you have the urge to pounce and run around like crazy. I was getting a bit frustrated because you didn't want to go to sleep, but as soon as I told you to lay down, you sprawled out next to me and started to whine a little bit. I felt really bad, but I was really tired and I was up really early that day. I wasn't mad, just overly tired. We need to figure out a way to get you to sleep at night. You are my little night owl. Whenever you're ready to sleep on time, I'll be on board for that, but until then, I'm going to whine about being up past my bedtime. Forgive me, but I'm getting old. It's okay because when I'm a real old lady, you can make fun of me going to bed at 6 o'clock when you're bed time is 8 o'clock. I can laugh and tell you about the time you were my little night owl.
Well Marilyn, it's getting late. It's getting past my bedtime. I just want to tell you that I love you. You really make my life interesting. I love that about you.
Love Always and Forever,
Mommy
Yesterday went by pretty well. You met your new Head Start teacher. She's very nice and has a background in teaching children with disabilities. I was really proud of you. You did a memory game and matched every picture to its item. I was amazed how fast you did it. I was really happy when you let me read a book to you about farm animals. I was very excited when you even pressed the right sound button for each animal. You are so smart.
Yesterday, I put on "Why Kids Love Yoga" on TV for you, just to see if you'd actually do it. You actually did everything that the kids were doing on there without me even coaxing you! You looked like a little spaghetti noodle! It was too cute and I was really surprised that you tried doing yoga. Maybe we will try to do more things involving yoga for you.
The biggest and most memorable thing you did was last night. Daddy was upset and you went up to him and said, "Be happy". Daddy and I were so proud of you. Daddy cried because he was so overwhelmed with happiness. We really appreciate when you notice our feelings.
Even though there were good things going on last night, there were also one thing that drove me crazy. Last night you didn't want to go to sleep. I don't know what it is about the night, but you are like a little hamster at night. Jumping everywhere, laughing, and screaming. Thank god we bought that little trampoline so you can jump on that instead of jumping on us anymore. I don't know what it is about "A Bug's Life", but every time you see that movie, you have the urge to pounce and run around like crazy. I was getting a bit frustrated because you didn't want to go to sleep, but as soon as I told you to lay down, you sprawled out next to me and started to whine a little bit. I felt really bad, but I was really tired and I was up really early that day. I wasn't mad, just overly tired. We need to figure out a way to get you to sleep at night. You are my little night owl. Whenever you're ready to sleep on time, I'll be on board for that, but until then, I'm going to whine about being up past my bedtime. Forgive me, but I'm getting old. It's okay because when I'm a real old lady, you can make fun of me going to bed at 6 o'clock when you're bed time is 8 o'clock. I can laugh and tell you about the time you were my little night owl.
Well Marilyn, it's getting late. It's getting past my bedtime. I just want to tell you that I love you. You really make my life interesting. I love that about you.
Love Always and Forever,
Mommy
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
First Entry
Dear Marilyn,
It's almost been a week since you were diagnosed with autism. When the doctor first broke the news to me, it seemed like the world completely stopped. Everything she said to me after became incoherent. I didn't cry at first because it was still completely shocking to me. It did occur to me that maybe you did have autism, but you did some things that made me think otherwise. You are very smart. You can distinguish some feelings. Whenever I cry, you do wipe my eyes and tell me, "no cry". Whenever you see everyone smile, you also smile. It did worry me when you wouldn't talk, but the reason I stopped worrying was because I knew eventually you would talk when you felt like it. Besides, Albert Einstein didn't talk until he was four years old, right? The thing that finally made me realize that maybe there was something wrong was when you wouldn't look at me in the eyes. When you did look at me in the eyes, you would look for a couple of seconds, then look away from me. I remember people would suggest that you have autism. I remember thinking, "Who the hell are they to tell me what the hell my daughter has?!? Do they have a diploma stating they are a doctor? Why don't they mind their own business?" I remember clenching my jaw a couple of times whenever the subject was brought up. Another thing that would make me angry was whenever you threw a temper tantrum. I wasn't mad at you, I was mad at the people who were staring at you like you were a bad kid. I knew that the reason you screamed and yelled was because you couldn't talk and explain what you wanted. I didn't know what to do. All kids throw temper tantrums so I didn't suspect anything was wrong. I also didn't think anything was wrong whenever we had birthday parties and you would leave the party to go inside and watch TV. I thought maybe there were too many people and I'm also shy myself so I didn't think anything of it.
On our way out of the doctor's office, I began to cry. I couldn't stop myself from crying because I was worried about you. I was worried about your future. All these questions came into my head: Are the kids going to make fun of you because of your disability? Would you ever make friends? What would happen to you if something happened to me or your Dad?, Would your sister take care of you or have to look after you the rest of your life? Would you ever get married? Would you have children of your own? I cried for two days straight. I didn't cry for me, I cried because I knew that you'd have a challenging life ahead of you.
After I got my emotions under control, I thought it was best to move forward. I began making your appointment to get your therapy underway. I began looking at all the information on autism. I even bought some books and began reading some more on the subject. I tried playing games and doing things that would help you. I was doing everything in my power to help you overcome autism.
I could ask God for another "normal" child, but I wouldn't even consider it. I love you so much the way you are. Not every child can sing almost all the Lady Gaga songs. I especially love it when you sing, "Bad Romance" and do your little hand motions whenever she goes, "Rah, Rah, Rah". It's especially amusing when you memorize all the lines to a movie and reenact it. I love the way you try to cheer me up whenever I have a bad day. I love it when you wipe my tears whenever I cry. I love that you try to hug almost every baby you see so tight. I love that you give me kisses when I ask you to (unlike your sister). I love the way you say "Dora", "Doe-dah". It sounds like you have a little Latin accent whenever you say it. I love everything about you and wouldn't change you at all. You may have autism, but you are normal to me. I will always love you.
I hope you always know that.
I also hope you know that I will always be here for you. I'll be here for you whenever you are upset about something. I'll be there for you when you're having the best moments of your life and the worst. I will never abandon you! Don't you ever forget that. Now that you know that, I'll finally end this letter.
Love Always and Forever,
Mommy
It's almost been a week since you were diagnosed with autism. When the doctor first broke the news to me, it seemed like the world completely stopped. Everything she said to me after became incoherent. I didn't cry at first because it was still completely shocking to me. It did occur to me that maybe you did have autism, but you did some things that made me think otherwise. You are very smart. You can distinguish some feelings. Whenever I cry, you do wipe my eyes and tell me, "no cry". Whenever you see everyone smile, you also smile. It did worry me when you wouldn't talk, but the reason I stopped worrying was because I knew eventually you would talk when you felt like it. Besides, Albert Einstein didn't talk until he was four years old, right? The thing that finally made me realize that maybe there was something wrong was when you wouldn't look at me in the eyes. When you did look at me in the eyes, you would look for a couple of seconds, then look away from me. I remember people would suggest that you have autism. I remember thinking, "Who the hell are they to tell me what the hell my daughter has?!? Do they have a diploma stating they are a doctor? Why don't they mind their own business?" I remember clenching my jaw a couple of times whenever the subject was brought up. Another thing that would make me angry was whenever you threw a temper tantrum. I wasn't mad at you, I was mad at the people who were staring at you like you were a bad kid. I knew that the reason you screamed and yelled was because you couldn't talk and explain what you wanted. I didn't know what to do. All kids throw temper tantrums so I didn't suspect anything was wrong. I also didn't think anything was wrong whenever we had birthday parties and you would leave the party to go inside and watch TV. I thought maybe there were too many people and I'm also shy myself so I didn't think anything of it.
On our way out of the doctor's office, I began to cry. I couldn't stop myself from crying because I was worried about you. I was worried about your future. All these questions came into my head: Are the kids going to make fun of you because of your disability? Would you ever make friends? What would happen to you if something happened to me or your Dad?, Would your sister take care of you or have to look after you the rest of your life? Would you ever get married? Would you have children of your own? I cried for two days straight. I didn't cry for me, I cried because I knew that you'd have a challenging life ahead of you.
After I got my emotions under control, I thought it was best to move forward. I began making your appointment to get your therapy underway. I began looking at all the information on autism. I even bought some books and began reading some more on the subject. I tried playing games and doing things that would help you. I was doing everything in my power to help you overcome autism.
I could ask God for another "normal" child, but I wouldn't even consider it. I love you so much the way you are. Not every child can sing almost all the Lady Gaga songs. I especially love it when you sing, "Bad Romance" and do your little hand motions whenever she goes, "Rah, Rah, Rah". It's especially amusing when you memorize all the lines to a movie and reenact it. I love the way you try to cheer me up whenever I have a bad day. I love it when you wipe my tears whenever I cry. I love that you try to hug almost every baby you see so tight. I love that you give me kisses when I ask you to (unlike your sister). I love the way you say "Dora", "Doe-dah". It sounds like you have a little Latin accent whenever you say it. I love everything about you and wouldn't change you at all. You may have autism, but you are normal to me. I will always love you.
I hope you always know that.
I also hope you know that I will always be here for you. I'll be here for you whenever you are upset about something. I'll be there for you when you're having the best moments of your life and the worst. I will never abandon you! Don't you ever forget that. Now that you know that, I'll finally end this letter.
Love Always and Forever,
Mommy
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